Believe me when I say a personal trainer is like a bartender - we listen to clients seeking asylum at our place of business (being a gym as opposed to a bar) and are there for them to vent. And in return we share our experiences, and whatever may be relevant advice for them. Nothing feels better than letting someone speak their mind and seeing that instant relief once they have talked out loud and maybe sweat out the frustration.
In one particular session, a client of mine and I got into the discussion of body image and being strong versus being skinny - not uncommon for many clients of mine. She wanted her daughter to be strong and fit going to college. Let’s be clear - SHE DID NOT MEAN SKINNY! More than anything she wanted her daughter to have confidence and feel her absolute best self.
Now, I am almost 25 and have been through a long, strenuous journey of finding myself and my own confidence. I was an athlete my entire life playing competitive basketball year round and volleyball in the fall. Nevertheless, I was very fit, lean, and had the metabolism of a 12 year old boy. When I hit the age of 17, naturally, I started having to be aware of what I was consuming and started feeling the lapse in my food choices.
Alongside this realization, my Mother was diagnosed with brain cancer known as glioblastoma multiforme* - my biggest comfort became food. Everyday chocolate cakes, donuts, marshmallows, chocolate bars, you name it, I ate it. I felt out of control, a feeling like if I just ate to the point that I couldn’t feel anything anymore, I wouldn’t have to face the pain of what was happening at home.
During the month of October of my freshman year in college, my mother’s health took a turn for the worse and I took time away from school to be at home during her last weeks of her life. On November 3rd, 2009, my mom passed away at our home. After that, nothing could change the hole that was left inside me - alcohol, drugs, food…nothing, but still I tried to find some form of comfort.
Junior of College - 133lbs
At this point in my life, I was 18, 5’9” and somewhere between 160-165 pounds. I was a collegiate basketball player, so yes, I lifted and worked out like crazy, but because of my poor eating habits, I felt bulky, heavy, and sluggish.
I found that I needed a change, and decided to step off the court and transfer to Bucknell University where I had to face every athlete’s struggle - transitioning into real life. No longer could I take comfort knowing I'd be sweating out everything during a 3 hour practice, I was on my own.
During my junior semester abroad in Tanzania, I contracted a parasite that altered my internal body chemistry, forever impacting what I could and could not eat without consequence. I came back 30 pounds lighter, no muscle definition, and countless people telling me I looked like a model.
I loved it. And with that love came the fear of ever gaining weight again. After that, I started running everyday, twice a day, and eating mainly vegetables and salads for my meals. I hated going out because that meant drinking which had sugar and calories. I didn’t understand what carbs meant, only that I should fear them. I was not happy, I was not healthy, and I was obsessed with being skinny.
John, my boyfriend and best fiend, was an active football player, wrestler, and baseball player and at the time, a collegiate baseball player - he was strong as hell. Whenever we joked around, he would pick me up and hold me so that I couldn’t get out of his grasp. It was when this happened that I realized, for the first time in my life, I was vulnerable and unable to protect myself. This changed everything.
I started reading more health blogs, tried to understand the importance of balanced nutrition, and started to get a weight lifting schedule back into my routine. It took time to start to feel normal.
Over the next three years I embarked on a quest to regain my ability to eat the foods I once enjoyed, so my focus shifted to nutrition. To this day, I love to eat - I begin planning my lunch while still enjoying my breakfast, but it can be difficult to have any confidence in information garnered through the general media. I found a constant back and forth between countless contradictory claims on the new food trends: ‘carbs make you fat, fat makes you skinny’, and ‘meat will give you cancer.’
I spent a great deal of my time researching foods and planning my meals throughout the day, and began sharing my simple discoveries. As my sisters and friends started coming to me to discuss their dietary needs and regimens and to ask my advice, it dawned on me that I could actually enjoy a career within the world of food nutrition, and make a difference by helping others who want to live a healthy life.
In the Spring of 2015, I enrolled in NYU’s Nutrition and Health class and immediately became enamored with my studies. It seemed that everything I learned began to point towards the path of nutrition as a source of gratification for me. I loved understanding the vital components of nutrition and loved even more to share what I was learning with people around me.
As a personal trainer, I focus on combining body weight and cardio exercises. I continuously adapt my exercises to ensure each routine is challenging while also building strength, endurance, and muscle formation. At the gym, I also offer tools to clients that will help them lead a healthy lifestyle like food logging and portion control.
It’s not about being skinny, it’s not about that number on the scale. I base my opinion on how I feel and how I fit in my clothes. Do I feel sluggish? Have I been pouring a larger glass of wine? Have I been snacking a little too much? I log what I eat, I cook most of my meals, and I never forget to enjoy myself without the guilt.
Pre-Wedding Shots 2018
I am a proud preacher of not using the scale to determine my happiness. Yes, it can be a tool to track progress, but in the business realm that I am in, you will be gaining muscle, and that muscle will make the number on the scale go up.
And most importantly, (and yes, very cheesy), but it is so important to remember to love yourself.
*Glioblastoma multiforme is a brain disease that attacks even healthy, active people like my mother Amy. There is no cure. Fewer than 5% of people afflicted with the tumor will survive.
Written by Maddy Swertfager